Sunday, August 27, 2006

Sylvia


I feel so broken inside. Sylvia told me a few days ago that she is leaving the community. The reasons aren't important, the fact is that she is leaving. She already made up her mind and I can't help but feel so broken. There is no other word to describe how I feel.

With at least fifty other Sisters around and I can't help but feeling so alone, and she hasn't even left yet. There is so much beauty in being in formation with other people. I mean, I still have Theresa, but I won't have my companion to Saturday morning's menudo.

Sylvia: As I see you leave I want to sing, because crying causes pain. I want you to sing with me and to feel blessed because you gave the best of you, your heart.

Saturday, August 05, 2006


As time comes closer to my reception to the novitiate, I try to simplify my life. I have been cleaning / de-cluttering my room. That means mainly books, but also some art work and clothes. I looked at my collection of dictionaries and I did not have the heart to give them away. I need those for translation purposes and because I would feel so lost without one. Where would I look for the exact word to describe what my heart feels? No, I need them.

I am also keeping my classics (mainly I mean Pablo Neruda, Isabel Allende, Gabriel García Márquez and others) I have learned I don’t need much. My life makes more sense without all those things. I got rid of all my dancing stuff, flamenco shoes, pointe shoes, etc. I’m still discerning about my violin….I can’t play it, I don’t know how….and mmm, lessons don’t look like a possibility. I’m keeping my doll (I got it when I turned seven and it was from my grandma…I learned years later that she had saved to buy me that doll….It is one of my greatest treasures.) I also treasure my dictionaries, a little bracelet made with charms and beads from my grandmother’s jewelry….a nun doll my mother gave me…my journals, my poetry, my guitar, a box with letters, a manila folder where my dad wrote a poem to my mom, a few pictures, a few words

I wish I could just go inside my heart and get rid of what I don’t need. It is not easy, but I try. Right now, as I listen to poetry, I feel grateful because it feels like a soothing balm…It feels like soft rain.

Dear God, help me to see clearly…

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

One of the kids was crying yesterday (first day of school in kindergarten) and to try to distract her I said: "Wow! I like your shoes, they are sooooooo pretty" and she turns around, looks at me with her bright blue eyes, like two pieces of sky, and says to me (Still crying):"Did you notice my bracelet?"

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Discombobulated post

Sometimes I wonder why I write. Writing does not always come so easy to me. Sometimes I have to decide what is decent enough to put here, sometimes I don't care, I have to write what's in my head and my heart.
Sometimes it is difficult to know what I can share here. But writing is like an exercise, the mind over the heart, but the heart over the mind, or the ability of both to go hand in hand.
Today I feel a little inadequate. Whomever thinks that nuns have it all together is wrong. Sometimes I get this feeling on inadequacy or aloofness. I had that feeling today as I greeted parents at the doors on the first day of school in the kindergarten. And reading a book for class today I read that our inability to connect to our feelings relates to our inability to connect of the feelings of others. I wonder why it happens sometimes. I've got to get over this fear of public speaking.

As you can see, my dear reader, life at the convent is not the easiest thing. Sometimes it can be pretty funny. I love the moments, like last night, when we got together to watch a movie. A very simple thing that made me very happy. I wasn't actually watching the movie...I was watching my sisters and wondering how I ever got here. I love them. I want to say that I love them 85% of the time, the remaining 15% is spent wondering how to get away. Just kidding! I love the Sisters of the Incarnate Word and I am lucky they are a part of my life and I am a part of theirs.