Except that means I'm back to the first year. What I mean to say is that I am a canonical novice which usually comes the first year...But I am grateful. I think it would have been really hard to go from full time ministry teaching first grade to zero ministry and lots of prayer and study. So, I went from full time ministry to part time ministry (last year I worked at the Montessori school) and this year I get to pray and pray and pray.
Prayer is a strange thing. I would have thought that it was immediately going to turn me into some kind of contemplative little soul. I am grateful for all the time and freedom to visit Jesus in either of our two chapels, and yet I feel like I go sit there and I can not pray. I probably expect feelings to be involved in all of this. My past director used to tell me: "Helga, when you can not pray it is important that you remain faithful to prayer. Prayer is not about feelings or even an outcome, but about fidelity."
So, I try to remain faithful, but it seems like every time I have made another step in formation, entering, postulancy, novitiate, second year novitiate, I get into this mood of "I'll never make it." I know that with God all things are possible, and this life is great. But sometimes I miss college, I miss walking through a really noisy and dirty city. (Corpus Christi is incredibly quiet and clean, isn't it funny?) I miss fighting with my brothers and meeting with my uncles for breakfast. I miss their guitars and our very noisy and crazy family.
I have been in the convent since 2004 (I have had a long formation process which has been my choice) and although I have learned and gained a lot, I still miss the familiar. God only knows why He made my heart such a strange little thing when He knew He would call me to be an Incarnate Word Sister, and being a Sister is not easy. God told our Mother Foundress, Jeanne Chezard de Matel: "I have made you a crystal, but remember that you are as fragile as glass. You make me known because your childlike simplicity renders you transparent. I reveal Myself through you like a mirror."
May God embrace us all in our fragility and may He allow us to always reveal Him to others. May we always be faithful extensions of the Incarnation....but meanwhile would you pray for me, for us?